how I learned to love nature despite my fear of bugs

I was not what anyone would describe as an outdoor child.

Which always baffled me, to be honest. Not that that’s how I was perceived and certainly described, but because that label didn’t feel like it fit me very well. The truth is, I’ve always loved being outside. The smell of sweetgrass in the summer or crisp autumn leaves has always brought me immense joy and peace. I grew up in Virginia Beach and could sit out by the water with a good book (and plenty of snacks) for an entire day. I was curious and imaginative and liked to pretend to be a Power Ranger or one of the Animorphs. The swings at the playground were, and still are, my favorite thing.

There was just one pesky, embarrassing, problem. I have always had a rather severe phobia of insects. All kinds. In my brain, there’s no distinction made between the ones that can harm you and the ones that can’t. As a child, they all made me jumpy. At various times over the years, I opened car doors as the car was moving to escape a bug, played outside only to be chased back inside by something buzzing, could hardly get close enough to dispose of a bug I’d mustered the courage to kill. It was and still is, embarrassing.

I don’t think my parents, or anyone else, really understood how embarrassing it was to have this fear pointed out to other people. Having the stories recounted to people who hadn’t been there felt like a betrayal. Certainly, I hadn’t /chosen/ to be this afraid and I recognized how irrational both my fear and my reaction were at the time. Unfortunately, I couldn’t control either. Exposure did not help lessen my extreme reactions, being rational didn’t help either. It wasn’t and still isn’t, a matter of thinking they could do me any real harm. It was something that lives inside of me with a mind of its own.

I’ve purchased bug print clothing, shopped for realistic bug broaches, and rehabbed a struggling honey bee. It’s not the exposure that’s helping, it’s being able to do it on my terms without an audience. The more I learn about bees, the more comfortable I get, but if something comes whizzing past my face I’m still outta there. But, there have been times when I’ll be hanging out on The Highline with my friends and everyone is jumpy about the bees except me. That feels like growth. I’ll take all of the small victories. When I can calmly walk past a bunch of swarming dragonflies or kill a cockroach (sorry, those gotta die if they’re in my apartment), that’s for baby Jas who was too afraid to do either.

When I lived in LA, I began hiking. It’s part of LA culture and turns out I really, really enjoyed it. I don’t remember being afraid or thinking of anything aside from how great some of the views are once you get up above the city. I remember thinking that maybe I should invest in hiking shoes, because I slipped around a lot in the dirt. I remember wanting to hike more and enjoying the burn in my thighs and in my lungs.

While living in LA I visited the Sequoia National Park. It’s incredible! Aside from the occasional tarantula (blech), and a roadside pull off once something flew into the car (I wasn’t the one driving, and turns out, I’m not the only one who has this irrational fear of bugs flying in car windows), it was a very fun trip. Once I started working at my new job, on a work trip I got to visit another national park. Rocky Mountain National Park! I had my brand new hiking shoes on and went for my first rugged hike. Scrabbling in some places, jumping over puddles, hugging the side of a cliff was all exhilarating and has gifted me a lifelong love of national parks and hiking. This summer, I’m planning on doing a major sweep of national parks over a two-week time period with my partner and I’m so excited.

I was not what anyone would describe as an outdoor child, but as it turns out, I’m definitely an outdoorsy adult. However you’d describe yourself, I hope you can see the immense value in protecting our planet for the years to come.

in adventure,